Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
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The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious