Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
You Might Also Like
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”