I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
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I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”