“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
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[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
I can fix him.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money