mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send