11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
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why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.