Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
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ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
🍞🦆