What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
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idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Running from your problems is cardio .
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail