You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
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if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.