I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
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i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
British people be like I’m Bri ish