just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
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Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
I’ll be mad as hell!
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.