Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
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I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Found the job I’m suited for
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”