Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
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1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.