#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
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[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife