I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
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Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
me after drinking all the wine:
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.