My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
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I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
let’s discuss
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!