sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
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If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
How times have changed.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.