Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
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As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.