I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
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My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT