Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
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My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work