Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
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I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.