100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
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[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
I’d love this…lol
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Happy Febuary everyone!
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
You can’t rush stupid.