My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
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“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
this could fix me
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by