Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
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Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Mornin. * use accordingly
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”