Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
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“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
My flabber has been gasted.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
peeping toms