Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
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I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…