No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
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The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius