Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
You Might Also Like
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.