All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
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That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES