When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
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People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?