And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
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Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
new career option?
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Milk Cube
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.