[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
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I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars