Cardio? Is that in Spain?
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“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
PLEASE READ
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’