Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
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I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Every work call, he judges.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Body by sandwich.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain