VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
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China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
this has done me in for some reason
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.