Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
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I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
How to make infinite energy.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face