Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
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Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
*performs CPR on the turkey*
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Cashiers are always checking me out
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase