“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
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My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon