I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
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It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.