Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
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What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?