What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
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My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Hmm, not sure about this change
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.