Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
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I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
You are not alone 💚
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.