I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
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Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you