Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
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Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
uh oh
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
oh good, now I can stop drinking
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.