The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
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When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Hit me in the face with a bird
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this