Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
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I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Autocarrot sucks!
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Weighing up my bread heating options
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.