Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
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It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Oops I deleted….
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?