Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
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(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
how much does a mortician urn in a year
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
What fresh Hell is this?!?
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.