DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
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I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I am, perchance
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.