Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
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Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Matt Goss
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too